So now I am only working at the loathed job two days a week, and would you believe I actually miss it! It reminds me of the Joni Mitchell song, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone". How true, but I have to be sure to remember how trapped I felt when I was there everyday. How depressed I was, and how I started putting on weight. Now I am being challenged I am venturing in to the unknown and learning new things, which is good for me.
But what if I am the person who can never be satisfied with what they have an is constantly searching for the next thing. I feel like I need to resolve these career issues soon. I need to become settled enough and happy enough with where I am in my career to think about starting a family cause that is going to be the next step . I don't want to rush into that, but I also don't want to put it off for too long....
I felt like a ghost today
walking through walls
practically invisible.
How strange to be back in a place
you feel you have left behind to look people in the eyes
and watch them see right through you
how sad and yet how fitting
and some how meant to be
it offers up a universe in that uncertainty
she almost has taken over and used up all the space
her presence can overwhelm. I see it now.
The vastness that is within her can make
the room feel small
a tiny spekeled piece of dreams
a rainbow on the wall.
In three years I have managed to make a mark I know
it is the quiet moments which happen very slow that breath the new life into
the ones who knew you when
the big brown eyes that watch me when I'm walking through a room
her smallness and her shyness at times of pleasantries
can reach right inside of me
her sweetness is profound
we have the same nature
deep within our souls and as she reached for me I felt entirely whole.
for it redeemed all my feelings resentments and the like
it wasn't really just that I'd done it out of spite
there are more reasons
more than I can say
I'll never really know
I have no way
Friday, September 25, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
update
Gosh, it's been a very long time hasn't it. I have forgotten about you I must admit and although some people write blogs in the hopes that someone might read it. I actually hope that no one ever reads mine. I have written so many personal things in here and seem to have trouble distinguishing it from a diary. There is a part of me that very much wants to go back and edit things that I have said in the past but I guess I won't. I am making this basically anonymous anyway. I can't believe how depressing some of the things I wrote here are. I am not feeling that bad anymore. I am quite content for the most part. I am enjoying my summer vacation, one of the definite perks of teaching.
My husband and I were supposed to go to Greece this week but on the way to the airport my husband realized that his passport expired and we had to cancel our trip. It is a disappointment for us both but we are making the best of it. We have decided to go to Cape Cod instead, not nearly as exciting but it should be nice.
I am surprised when looking back through my writings to here how down I was on myself. I think I was being a little melodramatic, things are not so bad really. Yes, working with toddlers is not what I want to do but I won't have to for much longer and there are lots of other things I can do. I have gotten a top notch education out of the deal and even though it has been quite trying it is almost over! This fall I will be working two days a week in my toddler program and the other three days I will be student teaching at P.S 290 with 1st graders, working with a teacher who is very well regarded and has written a book about her curriculum which is very interesting. I read it in one of my classes last semester. It was impressive to me that she has been able to design a curriculum which is so unique and has so much political content and have it go over in the public school system. I am excited about working with her!
Another exciting change that has happened in my life is that I have begun to slim down! I was never overweight but I was getting there. This passed year was very stressful for me as you may have noted from my previous posts. Working with little children is so draining. There is so little time to think of yourself and your own needs I found it impossible to drop the weight during the school year, but as soon as summer vacation rolled around I was determined. The diet I am using is one that my husband helped me come up with. Basically it is a low calorie diet. My husband the scientist discovered that a person of my height 5' tall and my age 31, who is moderately active needs to consume 1500 calories per day to maintain their weight. In order to lose weight I must stay below this. I have been doing this for almost three weeks now and have lost 5 pounds. I try to stay below 1200 per day. It can be challenging at times but it is so worth it because I feel so much better and can move my body with so much less effort. I hope that this will become a permanent change and the negative attitude and the weight together will melt off of me. The real challenge will come once work and school start up again but I think I am up for it. I will keep you posted.
My husband and I were supposed to go to Greece this week but on the way to the airport my husband realized that his passport expired and we had to cancel our trip. It is a disappointment for us both but we are making the best of it. We have decided to go to Cape Cod instead, not nearly as exciting but it should be nice.
I am surprised when looking back through my writings to here how down I was on myself. I think I was being a little melodramatic, things are not so bad really. Yes, working with toddlers is not what I want to do but I won't have to for much longer and there are lots of other things I can do. I have gotten a top notch education out of the deal and even though it has been quite trying it is almost over! This fall I will be working two days a week in my toddler program and the other three days I will be student teaching at P.S 290 with 1st graders, working with a teacher who is very well regarded and has written a book about her curriculum which is very interesting. I read it in one of my classes last semester. It was impressive to me that she has been able to design a curriculum which is so unique and has so much political content and have it go over in the public school system. I am excited about working with her!
Another exciting change that has happened in my life is that I have begun to slim down! I was never overweight but I was getting there. This passed year was very stressful for me as you may have noted from my previous posts. Working with little children is so draining. There is so little time to think of yourself and your own needs I found it impossible to drop the weight during the school year, but as soon as summer vacation rolled around I was determined. The diet I am using is one that my husband helped me come up with. Basically it is a low calorie diet. My husband the scientist discovered that a person of my height 5' tall and my age 31, who is moderately active needs to consume 1500 calories per day to maintain their weight. In order to lose weight I must stay below this. I have been doing this for almost three weeks now and have lost 5 pounds. I try to stay below 1200 per day. It can be challenging at times but it is so worth it because I feel so much better and can move my body with so much less effort. I hope that this will become a permanent change and the negative attitude and the weight together will melt off of me. The real challenge will come once work and school start up again but I think I am up for it. I will keep you posted.
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