The Internet is a strange phenomenon. Everyone is exposed. Some hope that through it they will achieve their 15 minutes. I'm searching for more. The job I have is perfectly fine, but it isn't sexy. I want to do something sexy. I had a late lunch with a friend. After lunch we went the park and then to the nail salon. It made me sad. What a waste. Getting our nails done. Isn't there more to life. My career lacks direction. My friend suggested I see a therapist. I already saw a therapist for 8 years. I'm only 30. I worked so hard during those 8 years of therapy. The thought of spending more time in therapy makes me feel like my mission was not accomplished. I'm feeling guilty because I didn't go to the gym today. The guilt never hits until it is too late, bummer. The husband isn't home from work yet. I'm waiting. I hate waiting. The exercise thing, the weight thing, the beauty thing, all these questions that women agonize over. Am I pretty enough? Am I thin enough? Do I exercise enough? Am I appealing to others? Going out socially with my husband used to terrify me because I was worried that he would see something in one of these women the we encountered and run off with them. I would be powerless to stop it. That feeling has subsided some over the years but it has not disappeared. I woke up this morning after a night's sleep that was half restful, half restless, with a feeling of discontent regarding our relationship. In my dream he was replaced by another figure as often happens in dreams, but I knew it was him. I had to chase him down to get him to pay any attention to me in this dream, and I am perceptive enough to pick up on the fact that this is an ongoing theme in our relationship, and I am self involved enough to obsess over it. He calls himself an introvert and no doubt will blame his inability to reach out on that as he often does, but I can't help but want more from him sometimes....

Indecision

Time,darkness, despair
stand there.

In shadows-darkness
falls apart.

light

you-on me.

This beast
grabs hold my hand.


my core-operates
deep-on the floor.

Callous-cold
calm.
Life
swim swan.

I am just getting started blogging. Nothing much to say. I guess today was a tough day. Work was unpleasant. I just hit 30 a few months ago and suddenly I am reevaluating my life. Nothing seems to be quite the way I hoped it would be. I got married which is wonderful. I truly love my husband. He is the greatest and we have the best time together. I know I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing and important relationship in my life, but it begins to shine a light on how imperfect other parts of my life are. I've been doing the same job for seven years now and I can't say that I am really satisfied with it. In fact lately I have begun to really hate my job. I work in a profession which is mainly geared towards women and therefore is incredibly demeaning. Women put up with situations that men would never allow. It's hard for me to accept that in 2008 this is still the case but it is. I want out. I'm hoping that it isn't too late. Sorry to complain, but this is what is on my mind right now.