He probably hates me. He thinks I am miserable and lazy and a horrific slob. Oh well. I don't really care what he thinks right now. He doesn't even know who I am. Am I supposed to take a blow like that and pretend I don't feel it. Come on now. I am still human, right. Oh there is so much that is wrong with my life. I don't even know where to begin. He thinks I will quit my job and never amount to anything right. Yeah. I'll just spit in the face of all that I have achieved, walk away, move on, open a new chapter, for what, no one will care, nothing will change, time will keep going in it's mindless way. It is such a pity that life is not more mailable. I could have been somebody. I think once upon a time I could have had a shot. Now it's over. I'm getting older. My dreams have to die, because they never came true. There is nothing ahead for me. Nothing to look forward to. I am never to find my way. I am not good at what I do. I take no pride in my work and each day is more miserable than the last. I should tell Sarah to start a blog. Then she could share her misery with the world too. Maybe it would make her feel better to let it all out.
When I look at her I try not to see myself in five years, but we are more the same than I am likely to admit. Accept, she has a spine, a backbone, a voice, she has a presence and makes a difference in our school. I am a ghost passing through. I am not real to them and they are not real to me. What about the performance review. Will it be better just to skip it. Will I be in for a rude awakening when Rachel tells me, "I know you've been dreaming of something better but what you will actually get is something much, much worse". That would be unfortunate. I would be left with out an alternative. I would be completely dependent on Sam. I would have nothing. Losing a teaching job is hard to do, but I've done it before. I was much younger then. Time was on my side. Maybe the world was my oyster but I didn't know it. Didn't grasp at it. Let it slip away. I'll never get their because I don't like to play by the rules and that isn't as glamorous as it sounds. It just means that I'm always cutting corners and never quite ending up where I want to be. I don't think I'm very well regarded among the Hillside school sect, and I'm sure their are rumors about me swirling around the place. Maybe I will get the axe, maybe I should, maybe not, better to wait, make nice, hope everything stays the course.